I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
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zone out
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t