I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys