Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Very good! 👍😂

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.