Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

I remember when things only cost an arm.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?