Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

Me if I was a dog

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.