Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control