I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
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Good morning
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.