Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”