Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

inside you are two wolves

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.