Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

A decision was made here.

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.