I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
This guy’s not having it 😆
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The first one, obviously
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call