I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
🍂🕷️🍂
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died