Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

This is no longer winter this is harassment

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?