I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?