I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Close call…
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.