Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Traveler’s camo

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.