I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
You had me at “define legal”.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
#Caturday
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday