I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:![]()
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
my dog when i have a friend over
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you