I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
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“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Don’t tell me what to do
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
The United Steaks of America
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again