Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different