Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork