Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there