I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
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[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Name another movie that mislead you?