I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
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*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there