I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
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[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
NOT all policemen are strippers.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God