Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

Nice try, poison.

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.