Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good for her

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free