Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”