Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes