Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.