I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
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Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Seems legit
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.