I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*