Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

Only you can prevent podcasts

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome