Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.