I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.