Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

Yes, but it was never about money

Erm I’m gonna say no

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh