I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.