I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
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Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
wtf is an acronym
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish