Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”