Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

grandpa was shocked