Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

channeling her this year

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.