I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.