@awescar

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

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@TenaciousGrace_

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

@GoodZiIIa

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

@Heldinchains

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

@dorsalstream

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

@jonnysun

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

@TheHyyyype

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations