I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

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My biggest regret of 2014?

Probably when my husband watched “The Notebook” with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house


Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.


A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.


As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.


Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend’s annoying snoring doesn’t make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..


“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”


Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway


I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.


‘I found something in my hair earlier and had no idea what it was’.

Facebook: *gets an invite to an organic shampoo party

Twitter: Did you taste it?


My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.