@awescar

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

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@LoriLuvsShoes

My biggest regret of 2014?

Probably when my husband watched “The Notebook” with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house

@nocturnology

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

@Bmittone

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

@Holy_Mowgli

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

@munkayc

Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend’s annoying snoring doesn’t make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..

@AmishPornStar1

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

@Fred_Delicious

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

@CubanaMama82

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

@Chucklehouse1

‘I found something in my hair earlier and had no idea what it was’.

Facebook: *gets an invite to an organic shampoo party

Twitter: Did you taste it?

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.