I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
You Might Also Like
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.