me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.