Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

My neck, my back, my…

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

this will hang in the louvre one day

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.