Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Are we there yet?…

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

how it started vs how it ended

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on