Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude