I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
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I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
A small tragedy.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.