Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*