Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

blocked.

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

ㅤ

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me