Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

not for long

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team