I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
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Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Twitter fine art
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Had a spot of bother earlier.
