I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
You Might Also Like
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
why would tinder want me to say this
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Realize this:
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.