I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]