Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.