I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
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I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
look scared
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up