Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.