I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father