I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?