I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Have kids, they said