Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.