I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
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Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.