Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Hmm, not sure about this change

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.