Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

don’t be scared

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

Brother?

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.