I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
How do you like your Corgi?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood