Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

me when I see my crush

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.