I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Wikigenius
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water