I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Thursday Thought.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught