I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
definitely did not do anything wrong
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
“and how does that make you feel?”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward