I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Did I do this right
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Anyone really
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome