Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.