Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The future is now.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!