I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
What
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.