I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Jurassic park gets weird
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
it is time once again
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory