Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?