Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

incredible

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.