Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

He has no idea 🤡

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

Guantanamo Bae

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.