Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unbelievably distressed by this ad

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus