Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!