Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

who named him groot and not spruce lee

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

I remember when things only cost an arm.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?