I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
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No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?