i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
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‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
You learn something every day
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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It’s Dublin.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
the best thing i’ve ever made
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
About to throw up
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.