I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!