I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

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Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.


Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.


The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t


Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff


To print a document from your laptop:
1. Select document
2. Click “Print”
3. Walk over to printer to see what the damn problem is this time


Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]


It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”


3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.


Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?


[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy