@Boleyngirly

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

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@markydoodoo

Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.

@LizHackett

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

@RideSallyRide69

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

@meganamram

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

@yonewt

To print a document from your laptop:
1. Select document
2. Click “Print”
3. Walk over to printer to see what the damn problem is this time

@Cpin42

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

@Illiter8

It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”

@daddydoubts

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

@Staggfilms

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

@markedly

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy