I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
You Might Also Like
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.