I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
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didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.